I am fast forwarding thirty years in my remembering posts. My writing got stuck at the end of last summer for various reasons. I had reached the point when Eric and I met. As I remembered this time in my life there was this pit in my stomach and this feeling of dread as I thought about how Eric and I related to each other while dating. These patterns started in dating and continued into marriage. Some of these patterns were brought into the light when we took some online assessments this past Spring. In April we met with a consultant and several pastoral staff with Community Christian Church to review the assessments. It was no surprise to me that my EQ (Emotional Intelligence) score would be low and my approaches to conflict are not healthy. After the consultation we received the assessment debrief with several books to read. This reading would be our homework for our Sabbatical. Literally our homework as we began during our required six days of isolation in Oxford. We started with The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk. Okay, this book is not for the faint of heart. It covers the effects of trauma on our bodies...physically, mentally, and emotionally. Neither Eric or I experienced extreme trauma in our childhood or adulthood but there are still theories we see at work in each of us. When I started reading the book I thought memories from childhood would emerge; however, emotions began to arise from memories from Eric and I’s dating relationship. That pit in my stomach was back along with the feeling of dread. Dr. Wiens, the consultant came to the following conclusion from my assessments and consultation in April...She has felt that she is responsible for managing other’s emotions, which likely stems from her family of origin all the way to her relationship with Eric. Because she has been responsible for keeping everything stable and functioning, she has done this at the price of truly being who God created her to be. She has paid the price and now needs to step forward. This unhealthy pattern of internalizing my emotions and feeling responsible for managing others' emotions to keep things stable began in childhood partly as the result of being raised in a divorced single parent home. It became my coping mechanism for managing the world around me especially sad and angry times. You can imagine the conflict that is going to arise when you have a person who internalizes emotions and does not take the time to process them and share them starts to date a person who overthinks thinking and verbally processes emotions at times without any regulation swinging from high to low very quickly, even more so in time of stress. For those who know us, you know that this past year has been very stressful. I have continued to be the stabilizer in our family as we have been confronted this past year with the Covid Pandemic, racial unrest and ministry stress to the detriment of my emotional health. By the time we got to the SPC Farewell Reception at the end of April I was emotionally numb. I have learned that someone who does not take the time to process anger and sadness is also not able to experience joy and happiness. This is not where one desires to be at the start of a three month Sabbatical. That is exactly where Eric and I were at the start of Sabbatical. Eric swinging from high to low emotionally and I not experiencing any emotion at all and even worse becoming an emotional judge wondering why Eric was not able to get a handle on his emotions. And then we decide to read The Body Keeps the Score, why not toss gasoline on a fire that was already started? A majority of our time on Sabbatical has been explosive, well as explosive as two introverts can become :) We have not only been dealing with the let downs and unmet expectations of what we hoped Sabbatical would be because of continued Covid restrictions, we understand, but still feel the loss. On top of that we have been dealing with unhealthy patterns of relating to each other coming to light as we processed The Body Keeps the Score. But God. I love that transition used in Scripture. But God is a God of redemption. The strand of yarn woven throughout my life. I believe God's main purpose of Sabbatical is to redeem our marriage. I am grateful that we both desire to make changes in our personal lives to improve our marriage. The hard work began with sharing hurts with Eric. I needed to acknowledge and share the hurts so healing could begin to take place. There were a lot of tears, but tears can be so cleansing. I want to feel again and live life to the fullest. I want in the words of Dr. Wiens to be truly who God created me to be. Patterns established early in childhood and practiced for over thirty years are not easy to change. But God, God's grace is sufficient and He provides the tools. The next book Eric and I read is Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett. This book is a little more accessible and gave us some tools to grow in our emotional health using the RULER method. Recognize the occurrence of an emotion Understand the cause that fuels the emotion Label the emotion Express - here's what I feel and why, here's what I want to happen next, here's what I need from you right now Regulate the emotion in healthy ways There is even a recommended app to check in with your emotions. I am attempting to use this regularly throughout the day. Writing this post was a good reminder to check in on the app, see you are holding me accountable. Also, God has met us in special ways as we have worshipped at St. Aldates Church weekly while here in Oxford. Two weeks ago Vernon and Jenny just happened to sit next to us. They are a retired pastors. They invited us over to have lunch with them. What a sweet time of fellowship with our brother and sister in Christ. As we were leaving their home Jenny shared with us that she could not sleep the night before and began to pray for us. She had this vision of God using a power tool to break up hard ground. She wanted us to know God has power tools. Praise God for His power tool, the Holy Spirit working in our lives to break up old unhealthy patterns. Ergo (felt inspired to use this word while in England, so much more fun than so), we have just over one week left in our Sabbatical. God has begun to redeem our lives and our marriage and we are returning with hope. I was able to wear my princess dress almost 26 years ago. I did dream of a fairy tale wedding and marriage. We did have a fairy tale wedding feeling sacred at times, but the marriage has not been the fairy tale I imagined. I heard a wonderful quote this morning from G. K. Chesterton, "Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” I believe the dragon trying to destroy our marriage is being killed.
14 Comments
Lynn Steller
7/12/2021 08:56:16 am
Wow! So beautifully expressed. You are so special to Him. God will use your past to minister to others in the time to come. Love you much, Becky
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Becky
7/12/2021 08:58:24 am
Thanks, Mom! Love you! :)
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Mary Schetter
7/12/2021 10:03:56 am
Becky thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing this story. I just attended a celebration of life for a very good friend this weekend that passed away recently. She was a stepping stone to my faith. The reverend at her service taked about psalm 39 and referenced but God so many times. I knew i had to look into that psalm and more importantly the but God. And then i see on FB today where Abby on her comment said that you had her at but, God. The holy spirit is at work and I am grateful that but God is always with us. Enjoy the rest of your time and know I am here if you ever need to talk. You have been there for me so many times and I appreciate it so much. But God has many plans for us all while we are here on earth. Love you Becky
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Becky Flood
7/13/2021 06:41:56 am
Sweet Mary, thank you for your response. I am in awe of how God is so present in our lives. Thank you for sharing your encounter with "But God".
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Joann Gay
7/12/2021 11:37:10 am
Becky,, This is an incredibly helpful, beautiful post. I know it took courage to write but, oh, the courage the whole journey for healing has taken. Each book, each discussion, each problem/conflict faced took courage and the help of the Helper Himself. Your writing, your journey, will challenge others to step up and work on relational issues to find and feel the joy meant to be there. We all need to hear this. Thank you.
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Becky Flood
7/13/2021 06:44:54 am
Joann, thank you for your encouraging words. I know it is your prayers that have helped to sustain Eric and me these past years. We are way over due to connect over a cup of tea. Would enjoy connecting with you in August. Love, Becky
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Becky, this was brave, moving and powerful. Thanks for sharing from your heart. My love for you and Eric runs deep and I pray, even now, that you will continue to experience the redemption that God has for you both. But God ... two of my favorite words in Scripture.
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Becky Flood
7/13/2021 06:46:32 am
Thank you, Alysa. I am praying for you as you care for you sweet Mum and Dad.
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Ev Janke
7/12/2021 06:24:54 pm
Becky, I hope you can feel my hug around you. You are so incredibly special!! So real and beautifully written. I respect people so much more when I realize they can be real. I'm sure you know I've been praying for you and Eric for a long time. I am so happy you both have had this time together and believe you will come home surprised at what this trip as done for you both. However, I am so sad you won't be leading our church anymore. I love you both so much! Enjoy these next few days as you share, give, love and begin this new exciting journey together. Again, thanks so much Becky for sharing...greet Eric for me.
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Becky Flood
7/13/2021 06:47:46 am
Thank you, Ev! I am grateful for seeing me :) I am also thankful for your faithful prayers. Love, Becky
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Catherine Hankins
7/13/2021 03:21:48 pm
Becky-thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It is stirring! Not sure exactly what for me but I do appreciate you my sister in Christ!
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Becky
7/14/2021 04:18:07 am
Catherine, thank you for your comments. They are meaningful to me. Love, Becky
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Gretchen
7/13/2021 04:10:13 pm
Becky,
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Becky
7/14/2021 04:19:38 am
Thank you, Gretchen. I appreciate women of God who have walked the path before me and look for God in the midst of hard.
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AuthorI am a woman who loves everything about making a house a home. I enjoy meal planning, cooking, baking, sewing, crafting, and decorating. Not so much cleaning and laundry, but that goes along with caring for a home. I am blessed to be married to a pastor and we have had the privilege of raising two daughters. Archives
July 2021
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